Lifestyle

Do you prefer your husband or your children?

Not an easy question...
By Janine Ayoub
December 01, 2016
It's a question that every woman asks herself on one point of her life when she has a husband and children of her own. Would choosing her husband over her children be so scandalous? If we prioritize our children, would our relationship with our husband be in jeopardy? What would be the ideal answer? How can we maintain the right balance in our family?
 
According to Gibran Khalil Gibran, "your children are not your children" and "although they are with you, they do not belong to you", but some mothers refuse to break this visceral bond because they're afraid of putting their mother-child relationship at risk.
After childbirth, mother and child are often in a fusional relationship as they are excluding any third party, including the father. "Before and during the nine months of pregnancy, there is a relationship of love and hatred for this always imaginative responsibility, which only women can understand, and it puts the partner, usually the husband aside," says Karen Kai, psychotherapist specializing in systemic, couple and family therapy. "This pregnancy which can invade the dynamics of the couple makes the mother a bit egocentric and selfish," she adds, "because she is the carrier, and these changes can very quickly deteriorate the relationship of the couple and therefore make the relationship strictly toxic, and the most obvious reason lies at the heart of pregnancy. We blame ourselves for things, we feel guilty and forsake. In this case, the couple is suffering, and the suffering continues and weighs even more with the birth of the baby which, in some cases, results in the separation of the couple."
According to a research by psychologist John Gottman, 70% of couples complained of marital dissatisfaction after their first birth.
Your husband or your children? What if there was no answer to this Cornelian dilemma? Laura, 50, refuses to decide: "It's impossible to choose between them, because I will have to redefine love in the first place. I'm madly in love with my husband. My children, it's another kind of love that I have for them. There is therefore no need to compare. And why should I choose between the two if I give each one of them the right amount of love?"
For Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, the mother seems naturally able to take care of her baby, while paternity, in opposition, is acquired with time. "In addition to all the physical, hormonal and emotional changes, the woman must care to initiate her husband and involve him in her relationship with their child, this little trick will create a triangular but healthy dynamic to avoid jealousy, marginalizing your husband and especially emotional instability," advises the psychotherapist.
 
Must read:
 
« Bad Mother. A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities and Occasional Moments of Grace » de Ayelet Waldman 
« Il n'y a pas de parent parfait » de Isabelle Filliozat
« Avant j'avais une vie, maintenant j'ai des enfants » de Candice Kornberg Anzel

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